Citrus-flavored Yogurt

I can’t decide how Kool-Aid Comes of Age was put together.  On one hand I think they started with very simple ideas for recipes, sticking to the obvious punches and drinks.  But maybe those were too obvious.  Of course a Kool-Aid cookbook is going to have drink recipes.

Maybe they just went full-on adventurous, dreaming grand dreams like brave culinary visionaries, and started with the pies and the desserts and the main courses.

Either way, at some point they realized they needed some recipes to pad out the book.  Their deadline was looming, and their editor was getting antsy, so they needed something quick and simple.

EXT. THE KOOL-AID TEST LAB KITCHEN

ALICE
Ya got anymore punch ideas?

DEB
I’m out. How about desserts? Have we
frozen the stuff every way we could think of?

ALICE
Yeah, we did…damn. What about pies?

DEB
I’m spent, Alice. I peaked with the Sweet ‘n
Sour Pork idea. What are we gonna do?

ALICE
What if we just mix it in with something?
Just by itself. Like two ingredients.

DEB
Well, it’s not the most exciting idea I’ve
heard, but I’m game.

Barry Manilow’s “I Write the Songs” wafts in from the open door.

ALICE
(calling down the hall)
Hey, Barb?!

BARB
Yea honey?!

ALICE
Whatcha got for lunch today?!

BARB
I gotta sandwich with some turkey I picked
up on sale at the A&P!

DEB
(looking disappointed)
Nope.

ALICE
What else?!

BARB
Some saltines! A banana!

Alice looks at Deb.

DEB
We covered bananas.

ALICE
Is that it, Barb?!

BARB
I got some plain yogurt.

Alice and Deb look at other. Deb looks around the kitchen. There is some spilled Kool-Aid powder near one of the sinks.

ALICE
What flavor is that?

DEB
Lemonade.

ALICE and DEB
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Cut to two weeks later and we have a proof copy of the book circulating around the Kool-Aid offices, and people are stopping by to congratulate Alice and Deb.  A few weeks later the book is published and every 70s housewife finds herself deciding between Whipped Lemon Butter, Double Berry Sauce, or Citrus-Flavored Yogurt for her next party.

I’m in talks to reunite Lori Petty and Geena Davis for the roles of Alice and Deb.

Citrus-flavored yogurt is one of our final recipes in the Stir-ins and Pour-ons section.  It’s not terrible but it’s not great.  The flavor progression starts out with the tangy yogurt which gives way to a little sweetness, then to a splash of lemon flavor not unlike a regular store bought flavored yogurt, then finally to wave of Kool-Aid Lemonade flavor.  The final lemonade flavor is a little weird in that it stands quite independently from the other flavors.  It is a pushy reminder that here there be Kool-Aid.  Unlike Alice and Deb the chemistry between the two main ingredients never quite comes together.  But again, it’s not terrible.

Also, I was fresh out of fruit and lamb at the time of this writing, so I only tried the yogurt by itself. Even though the idea of lamb and Kool-Aid coming together at last boggles the mind.  I may have to revisit that.

Until then, look for my crowd-funded film adaptation of the book entitled Eat, Pray, Kool-Aid, coming soon to a theater near you.

Whipped Lemon Butter

I have to admit, this is one of the recipes in the book that gave me pause when I first saw leafed through it.  I get the punches and sauces and freezes and all that.  But Whipped Lemon Butter?

Having said that, I think this is a gloriously retro concept.  It is the perfect example of the weird, artificial, convenience recipes found in the corporate cookbooks from the 50s to the 70s that I absolutely adore.  Why use a real lemon with all that squeezing and…squeezing, when you could just scoop out a few spoonfuls of Kool-Aid?  I mean who even knows where to buy lemons?  And I’m not even going to mention what housewives had to deal with during the Great Lemon Shortage of the early 1970s.  (The produce lines stretched for miles.)

Lemon butter is literally lemon and butter!  Which makes this recipe even better.  You’re not really saving any time or work at all.  It’s just swapping one easily obtained ingredient for the next easily obtained ingredient.  (Easily obtained in the seventies anyway. More on that in a second.)  It’s just fantastic.  I picture this being made in the Monsanto Kitchen of the Future.

Now, in modern times, this recipe is more inconvenient than it appears.  I could not find sugar-sweetened Lemonade anywhere!  Every grocery store I went to had a bottom row full of sugar-sweetened canisters in every flavor imaginable.  Except Lemonade.  Where the Kool-Aid should have been, there were at least three or four other brands of lemonade. Country Time.  Crystal Light.  4C.  No Kool-Aid.  From what I can tell, Kool-Aid still makes a sugar-sweetened Lemonade.  They just aren’t sending it to any stores near me.  Stupid stores near me.

Luckily, I found some online.  For a little more than I would normally spent on yellow sugar powder.  But still.  I have it.

The recipe calls for applying this concoction to fruit-nut bread, waffles, biscuits, or muffins.  Sadly, I was fresh out of all of those things.  I just can’t keep fruit-nut bread in the house.  So, I went with white toast.  The most basic of canvases.   Also, I was a little suspicious that those items were thrown in to distract from the actual Lemon Butter.  Maybe it wasn’t so good.

Guys, I didn’t think I’d have to type this sentence, but this was…kinda good.  Seriously.  It tastes like a very bright, lemony marmalade.  I know!  I am as surprised as you are.  The butter on its own still has some grit from powder that didn’t dissolve completely, but when applied to toast, the grit gets lost in the rest of the crumbs.

You could 100% get away with putting this out at a breakfast thing.  In fact, someone do that and get back to me.  I’ll bet people ask about it.  In a good way.

Who knew?  Kool-Aid and butter.

 

Double Berry Sauce

I went to the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot last weekend.  Ocean Spray has a big presence at the event this year.  They’ve set up a cranberry bog toward the front of the park complete with jovial employees sloshing around in waders.  I think they’re trying to get the word out that you can buy cranberries all year round.  (Not getting The Cranberries to play during the festival’s concert series seems like a wasted opportunity.)

Ocean Spray is targeting people like me.  While I know cranberries are available all the time, I still only buy them the week before Thanksgiving and then the week before Christmas.  Which is dumb because I LOVE cranberries.  Cranberry sauce is the highlight of the eating holidays for me.  I’ve taken it upon myself in my adult years to be my family’s official cranberry maker due to an overabundance of the canned gelatinous cylinders during years past.

So this seemed like a good time to try the Double Berry Sauce recipe from the Stir-ins and Pour-Ons section of the book.  As with all of the other very simple recipes-that-are-barely-recipes in this section, Double Berry Sauce requires the depositing of some sugar-sweetened Kool-Aid into some other food product.  In this case, I dumped some Strawberry Kool-Aid into a can of whole cranberries.

The result is an affront to the pure beauty that is the taste of cranberry sauce.  The Strawberry Kool-Aid completely takes over the show.  It covers of the flavor and wonderful tartness of the cranberries and leaves nothing behind but a familiar texture.

And IT IS INCREDIBLY SWEET!  A normal, unmodified can of this cranberry sauce has well over 100 grams of sugar in it.  When you add FIVE TABLESPOONS of sugar sweetened Kool-Aid to the mix, the sweetness level becomes just absurd.  It’s shudder inducing.  Reducing the Kool-Aid by at least half would be a huge improvement, as would forgoing the sugar-sweetened stuff completely and opting for a few dashes from a regular unsweetened envelope.

The only reason you should be serving this Double Berry Sauce at any family holiday event is if you are a human who has been adopted into a family of hummingbirds.  And how many of us can claim that distinction?  Like 10%?  At most.

Happy holidays!  Eventually.

Rosy Applesauce

Today’s recipe for rosy Applesauce comes to us from the Stir-Ins and Pour-Ons section of Kool-Aid Comes of Age.  And we did indeed stir something in.

Not a very complex recipe, Rosy Applesauce calls for adding some sugar-sweetened Kool-Aid to applesauce.  I went with Strawberry as it was within the bounds of the “any red flavor” directive.

This recipe was unnecessary.  Applesauce is great.  And preparing this made me realize it’s been a zillion years since I’ve had any.  The two tablespoons of Kool-Aid didn’t really add a whole lot to the overall flavor experience.  The applesauce still came out on top.  What it did do was ramp up the already sweet applesauce to unenjoyable levels.

That could’ve been my fault though.  I guess I should have scouted for some applesauce that was not so sugar heavy.  I didn’t know!  I just grabbed the Mott’s.  It’s a time honored product!  Maybe an unsweetened envelope would’ve worked better.

The presentation left a little to be desired as well.  If they were smart they would’ve said to split the applesauce in half and Kool-Aid up only one of the halves, then mix them together for a cool swirly swirl.  I know!  I’m so good at this!  I should host more dinner parties.

Also, I don’t think this needs to be restricted to any red flavor.  I’m sure other flavors would be just fine.  Those poor suckers didn’t have the bevy of flavors and hues we have now.

Break outta the seventies man!  We’re goin’ to Mars!